1. Lose your set of car keys so that your spouse is now the only one with keys to both cars, the house and the mailbox. This is an easy first step. (Though it's an important one, because it will require both time and money to replace those keys.)
2. Park in an area that is clearly a free parking zone without any signs to tell you otherwise. Make sure to stay inside for 15 minutes (no more, no less) and come out to an obnoxiously orange parking ticket.
3. Make sure to have your spouse park on the snow-free street for roughly 10 hours over-night. This will ensure that he/she too, will come out to an obnoxiously orange ticket. Take note that you must do this exactly one day after receiving your ticket.
4. Get an oil change and minor car-checkup before going on a trip to Island Park to ensure that your car runs smoothly...but make sure your car does not run smoothly, otherwise this money would be well spent!
5. Effortlessly drive four hours with no problems whatsoever, but then try to start your car up after your relaxing trip, once you're all packed up and ready to go home, and make sure that it putt-putts until giving you absolutely no hope that it's going to start. Then have your nearest friend/family member push your car down a steep hill, whereupon they must find some sort of make-shift tow rope that is only five feet long and tow your car at 20 mph to the nearest po-dunk gas station that is approximately five miles away. (This really has nothing to do with blowing cash on your car, but it definitely adds to the experience of it all. You should never omit this step...)
Smile like this:
Even though you feel like this:
6. Leave your car at said po-dunk station for the mechanic to look at the next day and stuff yourself like a sardine into the formerly mentioned friend/family members car to venture home just in time for the next day to begin. Don't forget the additional gas money this is costing you...it's a very important step in making it to the $500-$600 range. (Because now, not only will you be paying to get your car home, you'll be paying for the ride home with them, too!)
7. Find out the next day that your fuel pump has been disconnected (though never really get an explanation as to why. That would be too logical.) and also be informed that it will cost you 375 big ones to fix it. This is the most important part in the whole process. Without this step, you'd mostly only be out pocket change.
8. Marry into a family with really generous in-laws who spend an entire day driving up to Idaho and back down, just to pick up your car, and then if you really want to wipe your account clean, make sure that they charge you for gas money. (Ours unfortunately would not let us, so we have found other ways to spend this money on them!)
9. Figure that your car troubles are over and take a deep sigh of relief.
10. Next morning, come out to a car door that looks like this:
and think to yourself "I don't even want to know how much it is going to cost to fix this...."
There you have it!
10 easy steps to having it all
when it comes to car troubles and an empty wallet.
next time your car runs fine, don't tell me I didn't try to help you...